Five Criteria for Good Communication
Good communication connects, bad communication divides
Recently, I have experienced and observed a lot of destructive communication, especially on social media.
As a scientist, I love constructive communication – because I can grow from it. I publish texts about my findings and experiences to invite exchange. It's nice when someone praises a text; it flatters my ego but doesn’t do me any other good. I benefit when someone challenges me constructively by responding specifically to what I wrote and, for example, questioning my point of view or parts of it in a well-founded way.
In the following, I analyze which criteria must be met for communication to be good and constructive.
The word communication comes from the Latin word communicare, which means ‘to make common.’ Communication is the key to togetherness ... and this is essential for the survival of humanity, as I explain in my article “To Survive as a Species, we MUST Work Together.”
Imagine you are standing in front of a tree and looking at it. From your position, you see some of the tree, some you don't. Perhaps you see the side of the trunk facing you, but not the opposite side. You have a perspective of the tree. If you change your position, you see the tree differently; you see something that you didn’t see from your first position. This broadens your overall perspective of the tree. If you walk around the tree to look at it from more and more places, you will get closer to the truth of it, but you will only ever have a perspective. There are parts of the tree that you don‘t see, such as the roots, which clearly belong to the truth of the tree.
Optical illusions demonstrate how deceptive perspectives can be. In my article “Who Can You Trust?”, I show in a brief video clip how little you can trust your own eyes, even if you know the reason for the illusion.
Because of your life history, you see the world as you have learned to see it. This applies to everything: health, religion, politics, you name it. You have a perspective of the world, also known as a worldview, which is very much shaped by the schools you have attended and the media you consume. Most people consider their worldview to be the truth – and this is not only a problem in any communication, it can also be the starting point for fanaticism and even war. In my article “For Many, Vegetarianism is a Religion,” I talk about my own experience in this regard.
Believing that your perspective is the truth is arrogant. Good communication requires modesty. This means that you recognize that you only have a perspective – and that other people may have other perspectives, which are just as worthy of consideration. I analyze the relativity of perspectives in my article “Knowledge is Not the Same as Truth.”
Communication is useful when it inspires. Ideally, all communication partners should be able to say afterwards: “It's good that we had this conversation.”
Inspiration can happen when someone questions your perspective. Genuine curiosity not only allows this to happen, but even solicits it. The word curiosity stems from the Latin word curiositatem, which means ‘desire of knowledge.’ Curiosity longs for the new. In order to allow something new, you must let go of the old. A truly curious person, therefore, gives up their old way of seeing things, at least temporarily, in order to consider a new perspective, at least temporarily. They can then compare and weigh things up ... and then either return to their old perspective, adopt the new one, or combine the two. Remember, the more perspectives you have on something, the closer your overall perspective may get to the truth, which is what it’s all about. You can find out more about curiosity in my book “Curiosity – The Mental Hunger of Humans.”
“I have no special talent; I am just passionately curious.”
(Albert Einstein)
Another prerequisite for good communication is listening. Listening is more than just hearing. Hearing is what your ears do: they translate sound waves into electromagnetic impulses, which the nervous system transmits to the brain. In communication, listening is the willingness to want to understand the other person. When you under-stand someone, you stand in their place – metaphorically; you have their perspective.
But unfortunately, very few people really listen. Many use the time someone else is speaking to think about what they want to say next. Or, even worse, many conversations are simply a battle for speaking time. On social media, not listening shows as people commenting on posts they have not read in full; they only react to the headline or part of the text. This is nothing more than a waste of time and energy, because a constructive exchange is not possible in this way.
Understanding begins with words. The Greek philosopher Socrates put it like this:
“The beginning of wisdom is the definition of terms.”
(Socrates)
When you use a term, you ought to say or write what exactly you mean by it. Only then will the other person have a chance of understanding you – and you should be interested in that. If the other person uses a term without explaining it, ask: “What exactly do you mean by ...?”
I illustrate the importance of linguistic precision in my articles, “Feelings are Not the Same as Emotions” and “Consciousness is Not the Same as Awareness.”
As already mentioned, contradiction can be useful. But as the saying goes: “The sound makes the music.” Praising someone is easy. Contradicting someone can be challenging. Contradiction should be
clearly communicated,
well justified, and
related to the content, not the person.
My rule is: be hard on the subject, but soft on the people. Being hard on the subject is important so that the criticism is not watered down. Being soft with people is important so that they will consider the criticism as the basis for a constructive conversation.
In summary, good and constructive communication follows five criteria:
Modesty
Curiosity
Listening
Definitions
Hard on the subject, soft on people.
There is a simple exercise you can do to improve your communication skills: watch others communicate. Pay attention to which of the five criteria they adhere to. This will sensitize you to these criteria – and your communication will automatically improve.
Further reading:
Article “To Survive as a Species, we MUST Work Together”
Article “Who Can You Trust?”
Article “For Many, Vegetarianism is a Religion”
Article “Knowledge is Not the Same as Truth”
Book “Curiosity – The Mental Hunger of Humans”
Article “Feelings are Not the Same as Emotions”
Article “Consciousness is Not the Same as Awareness”